I guess this is a weird post to share on Christmas Day but given how 2020 has turned out, I thought it would be good to share something useful that may help you as we head into 2021 with continued uncertainty – albeit a Covid-19 vaccine is in sight. So here it goes…
I first spotted this book on a bookshelf at Cheltenham Literature Festival 2016. The cover and title instantly got my attention. It was in my favourite colour (blue) and the title ‘Happy’ was a state I desperately wanted to be in. I appeared happy to many but the reality was the opposite. Turned out that this was the book that changed everything for me…
Incidentally, I did meet Derren Brown as he was doing a talk at the festival to promote the book and to do a book signing. I was co-managing the welcome desk at The Writers’ Room and as I was talking him through everything he needed to know, I was putting on his festival wristband. It’s one of those typical plastic festival type of wristbands, or as some of the guests/authors would say: “it’s like a hospital band!” I was trying to press the pin in to secure it on and as I did so, I caught the hairs from his arm into the pin bit. I was mortified 😱 I knew I had done it and I could see him wince, but I never said sorry. I just pretended it didn’t happen 🙈 Bless him, he did not say a thing to me about it and was so lovely. He also left a second part of his ticket for another show on one of the tables that had his full address on it… needless to say I made sure I got rid of it sharpish!
Anyway, I digress! I did find this book a hard read initially because Derren walks you through the timeline of humanity, with a specific focus on Stoicism. It was one of those books where I really needed to think and contemplate everything that was written in order to fully understand it. Stoicism stems from Greek Philosophy and the dictionary definition of it is: “the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint.” Turns out I was naturally very good at this without the prior understanding of Stoicism! However, whilst I was good at not displaying feelings publically, when alone, I often ‘turned into a bit of a mess’.
This book helped me enormously as it explains, quite eloquently, how we can effectively manage our emotions and the impacts of trauma by understanding that it is not a ‘birth right’ to be happy. Happiness is a choice and you have to ‘work at it.’
MY ONE TAKEAWAY
There was a phrase that Derren wrote about extensively in the book: “You can only control your own thoughts and actions.” This notion is so simple and was the game changer for me. I suddenly realised how much time I had spent being upset by other people in my life. I never moaned about it, I’ve never been a moaner. I’m a ‘get on with it’ type of woman. On the flipside however, because I used to bottle ‘stuff’ up, there would come a point where I would ‘go off like a bottle of pop.’ Not in an angry way but in a ‘Oh no, I really can’t stop crying my eyes out and oh god, now I’m snotting everywhere’ kind of way (attractive). BUT when it dawned on me that actually, regardless of whatever s**t life throws at me, I can determine how I feel about it and how I react to it, then I suddenly found myself to be much calmer. That’s not to say that everything was OK because I ‘made’ it OK. What happened as a result of being calmer, was that it gave me more clarity, and having more clarity opened my eyes to the world I was living in. Clarity, combined with certain ‘catalytic situations,’ gave me the strength to make the changes I needed to live a fulfilled life.
Derren doesn’t dismiss the fact that one can’t help feeling emotional, whether that’s sadness, anger or frustration about the loss of the loved one for example, or experiencing trauma such as abuse or losing a limb in an accident. But what he goes on to explain is that you have the power to change what that means to you.
If I’ve learnt anything over the last few years, it’s that the best person who can help you overcome hardship or trauma, is yourself. I would add to this to say that I am a big advocate for seeking help from others, such as friends and family and even a counsellor – actually especially a counsellor. That said, whilst they can listen to you and offer all the best advice in the world… it’s down to you to turn it into action. No one else can make it better but you.
