Category: Emotional Wellbeing Blog

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Mental Health Awareness Week

So. Mental Health Awareness Week. Everyone’s been talking about it. I’ve jumped on the band wagon. Clearly.

I am someone who has actively advocated the importance of emotional well-being. If you’re a regular listener of my podcast, you’ll know that with every series I have included a bonus episode with Uschi, who used to be my counsellor. I’ve listed where you can listen to these episodes at the end of this blog post. We talk about her top three ‘Keeping It Reals’ that we should all live by generally, how to overcome your childhood and affirmations vs afformations- what’s that last one? Listen to the episode!

I’m writing this at 11pm on a weeknight…when I promised myself I would improve on my ‘sleep hygiene’ and make sure I get a good solid 8 hours sleep per night. Alas, that’s not going to happen tonight, because now my mind is whirring away with what I want to say in this particular post.

It shouldn’t take a ‘Mental Health Awareness Week’ for us to acknowledge how vital it is for us to be talking about depression, emotional well-being, anxiety, bi-polar, psychosis etc, without it being a taboo subject. I use to tell my friends that depression (and the like) is like a cancer of the mind. Not from personal experience – I can’t say I have been depressed or lived with an illness that affects the mind. But I have been around people close to me who live with depression and psychosis. And in my not so distant past I have felt despair. I know how tough it is when you can’t think straight, when you can’t see the wood for the trees, when it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel…except there is… always… light at the end of the tunnel. Cliché 🤷🏻‍♀️

I want to share what helped me… and it was counselling. I’ve written about the benefits before so I won’t repeat myself (check out this previous blog post here). But I did have another great tip to share from Uschi…

In my sessions with her I used this term ‘get a grip’ consistently, not just about myself but when I was talking about others too. Needless to say, it really isn’t helpful to have this mindset and expectation of oneself… or others!

For me, I used this term as a way of blocking my feelings. I’d put on a show for everyone, the smile was always on display. In 1:1 chats with people I would breakdown…sometimes when there wasn’t time for those chats, I’d sit alone, in my car, in the carpark at work, at the end of a long day of ‘keeping up appearances’ and just cry. Proper snotball sobbing (attractive). Then I’d give myself a hard time for allowing myself to cry and keep telling myself ‘I need to get a grip’.

My expectation of others was not down to a lack of empathy. I used to be quite the people pleaser and always put others before myself. It was more because I would build resentment to those I was ‘pleasing’ and myself. I would wish they would change and just ‘get a grip’ because I felt like I was being taken for a mug. And then I’d beat myself up for not doing anything about it – and that’s no good for no-one.

So Uschi’s tip on getting over ‘getting a grip’ was to put my hand on my heart and just allow myself to feel what I feel. If you follow me on social media, you’ll know that I refer to ‘Hand on Heart’ a lot and use these emojis ✋🏼 on ❤️… A LOT! I’ve had many transformative tips over the last two years and this has been one of the most important ones… because it has finally helped me LISTEN TO MYSELF! Sounds like a weird thing to say, but I never listened to myself before. I ignored myself. I put myself last. Every. Single. Time.

By taking a few moments to put ✋🏼 on ❤️ and just sit with my feelings and acknowledge them, it is easier to ‘let go’ of any negative energy because I confront those feelings head on. Then I figure out what I need to do to resolve them… and more often than not in my case, the resolution is always an act of self-compassion, i.e., setting boundaries. This means saying ‘no’ or ‘not right now’ or ‘I can do this instead’. This approach has been life changing. Because now I set clear expectations from the off. I don’t put everything all on my own shoulders to sort and in turn I have been respected more for it (in some cases I haven’t been and there has been resentment from the other person but I no longer have the people pleasing side of me. I am now OK with them not being OK).

So that’s it…from Uschi – ✋🏼 on ❤️ feel what you feel and from me… set boundaries. I make it sound easy. It isn’t. But with time and practice it becomes a lot easier. Remember to read the previous blog post I referred to earlier because I share some useful info on who to follow on Insta for inspiration!

Oh and I do have another tip – a recent discovery – the Wim Hof Method! It’s a breathing technique that just opens me up and has really helped transform my meditating! Check out Russell Brand’s podcast Under The Skin. He has a specific episode with Wim Hof which you can listen to here. Fast forward in at 59 minutes and 17 seconds. This breath work is an amazing way to get a natural high…it gives me the tingles! I’ve been doing this first thing every morning for the last couple of months… it’s the best way to start the day!

Here are the podcast episodes with Uschi I mentioned earlier: Her Keeping It Reals, How To Overcome Your Childhood, Affirmations vs Afformations.

If you need help with your emotional well-being there are affordable alternatives to private counselling (just because NHS waiting lists are huge). Better Help could work for you. There are also the charities Mind and Samaritans who can offer you support. In the meantime, I hope the podcast episodes I have shared goes some way to helping you or someone you know. 🙏🏼🙂

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There’s a Reservoir of Resilience in your Brilliance!

This week’s blog was going to be about Ofcom’s report on Diversity and Equal Opportunities in TV and Radio, which was published back in November and a Screen Skills survey to understand current skills gaps and shortages, the impact of bloody Covid-19 (I now can’t just say Covid-19, the word ‘bloody’ always precedes it) on working practices and what the media and entertainment industry will look like in the future. BUT… then this week started with lockdown 3.0.

Instead I have decided to share my thoughts on resilience. At some point I will write a blueprint mapping out what I do to maintain ‘the reservoir of resilience in my brilliance’ which I will make available for free on my website soon. Some may say it’s a little cocky to describe oneself as possessing brilliance. I say it’s being self assured with a healthy dose of self confidence to boot. And yes, of course there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. No one likes a smart arse. But I can tell you, I ain’t no smart arse! 🤓🍑

So… where did this ‘reservoir of resilience’ I have come from? If you’ve read my #BAMEOver article (which was recently published on Thrive Global) you’ll know that I didn’t have the best of childhood’s… it could have been better, but then it could have been worse. Yet, those shitty experiences (and the few more that came after it) are the very things that have built this ‘reservoir of resilience’ in me. It laid solid foundations of my inner core and the subsequent building blocks to just… keep going. 2018 was the toughest year of my life, and it was that summer where the husband of one of my dearest friend’s said to me: “You’re always smiling,” in a kind of bemused way, as if he couldn’t believe it given everything that was going on. I will admit that for some time that was more ‘for show.’ It was my coping mechanism. That said, I’ve always had a naturally sunny disposition. You could say it’s innate. What is also innate in me is ‘Being More Kid.’ It’s true, I am a big kid. A responsible big kid I hasten to add… but nonetheless, I have always embraced a child like quality where my mission in life is to radiate joy… that’s my ‘superpower.’

Over the last year ‘Being More Kid’ and ‘Radiating Joy’ have been my two staple mantra’s. And when one lives on one’s own, the ability to ‘Be More Kid’ increases because no one else is around to watch! It’s bloody brilliant. Although I have to say, I know now that if I ever live with anyone else again, this is the kind of crazy shit they’ll have to put up with, because nothing or no-one is ever going to stop me from ‘Being More Kid’ and ‘Radiating Joy’!

So what does ‘Being More Kid’ mean exactly? Whatever you want it to! For me, it’s indulging in my two of my passions… Music and Dance. I pretend I am a combination of Madhuri Dixit (my favourite Bollywood actress… watch this dance number and you’ll realise why. I mean first off, she is proper beautiful, second off just look at how she moves!) and Beyonce (one of my favourite female singers…I mean, she is also proper beautiful and she also knows how to move to the groove baby!) I whack on my tunes, I move my coffee table over to make more room in my tiny living room and then I let go of my inhibitions, imagining I’m dancing on stage in front of a packed audience. I do all this completely sober by the way! But I can tell you it’s so much fun! I forget about the shit show going on out there and just pretend I’m the world’s biggest superstar and let rip, singing at the top of my voice. Malcolm (my 80 year old neighbour) hasn’t complained – he says he can’t hear me!

When it comes to ‘Radiating Joy’… I’ve done it more with the aim of affecting others in a positive way. Back in the day it was more face to face. Now it’s more online, through my LinkedIn and Instagram posts. I write without holding back. Maybe I do overshare, maybe it’ll put off future boyfriends, maybe it’ll put off future employers! But I do it all with a pure sincerity and joyfulness in a way where people respect me for ‘Keeping It Real.’ I know some people think I’m a bit deep or a bit ‘extra’. But this is me 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve let go of the fear of what people think about me now. I’m happy and I like to spread the joy I’ve found in myself and in my life. And when you ‘spread the joy,’ you get what you give. And I get back loads. I’ve had a few people say to me recently that they love reading my updates. I love that. I never write with the intent of getting people to ‘double tap.’ I write in the hopes it will make people smile. They don’t need to tell me it does, but when they do, it’s a lovely feeling.

So that’s it, that’s two of the ways I stay resilient (more to follow in that blueprint I’m going to write!) Is it a bit bonkers? Yes absolutely. Do I care? No I bloody well don’t. And if you ever get in touch or see me you better watch out because I will zap you with my joy radiation superpowers! 😁💥🔫 🦸🏻‍♀️

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Visualising Your Goals

Just over 6 months ago, I joined a membership group called The Money Lounge – set up by The Money Whisperer. It’s a group for women to build ‘wealthy mindsets’ with a view to becoming financially resilient. Two weeks ago I booked a 1:1 coaching session and Emma – The Money Whisperer herself – walked me through a visualisation exercise. It was pretty powerful.

Joining this membership group has transformed my life in the same way that journaling has. {Read the About section of my website that outlines my ‘journaling journey!’}. Well, actually it’s transformed my approach with money more so my life, but things have changed for the better already as a result and I have no doubt those little changes will turn into big transformations.

If you’ve heard about the book The Secret, then you’ll be aware of The Law Of Attraction. I have been applying this in the last year or so and without delving into too much detail, it has been working for me. Basically – the premise is you attract whatever ‘energy’ you give out to the world. It may seem a bit ‘mystical’ and bit ‘woo woo’ – all I’d say is keep an open mind. There’s a film on YouTube about it – which is grating, well I found it grating – but work past the ‘fluff’, the dramatic music and the dramatic editing and be just be open. I’d encourage you to also watch The Secret: Dare To Dream which is available to watch on Netflix. Whilst it’s considered a ‘chick flick’ it outlines the theory of The Law Of Attraction in the form of a romantic film in a more ‘palatable’ fashion. And yes, I do like romantic films, so sue me.

A couple of days ago, one of my dearest friends and I had been messaging one another – catching up on all the goss! She suggested that I write a letter to myself on New Year’s Eve, outlining what I want to achieve and learn in the year 2021, what I’ll be most proud of and how I will feel at the time of opening this letter next New Year’s Eve. As you can see, I wrote the letter a day late! That aside, as I was writing this letter to my future self this New Year’s Day, I visualised what it would be like to achieve what I plan to set out to do. I have set myself three goals which I’m going to share because ‘putting it out there’ will make me accountable! There are tonnes of other things I want to do. But these are the main ones.

1: Sort out my broadcast career: to keep working in TV production in Bristol and to continue to advocate diversity in broadcast

2: Buy my home: I really want somewhere to call my own in the city of Bristol. I have grown to love this city more and more each day

3: I’m not going to share this one because I can either take it or leave it. I’ll be ready for it once I’ve achieved the first two goals – but – if this happens sooner then great…gotta keep myself open to new possibilities!

I took the letter with me to the beach for my New Year’s Day walk, as you can see 👆🏼(I was once given the name Glam Tan at a previous workplace…it’s one of my favourite nicknames!)

Whilst I was walking along I focused in on all the things I want to happen for me in 2021 and I daydreamed, i.e., visualised what it would be like when those things happen and how I would feel. Essentially I pretended that the things I want are not just ‘wants’ but are a reality. Let’s see what my energy brings back for me!

2021 better watch out!

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Happy

I guess this is a weird post to share on Christmas Day but given how 2020 has turned out, I thought it would be good to share something useful that may help you as we head into 2021 with continued uncertainty – albeit a Covid-19 vaccine is in sight. So here it goes…

I first spotted this book on a bookshelf at Cheltenham Literature Festival 2016. The cover and title instantly got my attention. It was in my favourite colour (blue) and the title ‘Happy’ was a state I desperately wanted to be in. I appeared happy to many but the reality was the opposite. Turned out that this was the book that changed everything for me…

Incidentally, I did meet Derren Brown as he was doing a talk at the festival to promote the book and to do a book signing. I was co-managing the welcome desk at The Writers’ Room and as I was talking him through everything he needed to know, I was putting on his festival wristband. It’s one of those typical plastic festival type of wristbands, or as some of the guests/authors would say: “it’s like a hospital band!” I was trying to press the pin in to secure it on and as I did so, I caught the hairs from his arm into the pin bit. I was mortified 😱 I knew I had done it and I could see him wince, but I never said sorry. I just pretended it didn’t happen 🙈 Bless him, he did not say a thing to me about it and was so lovely. He also left a second part of his ticket for another show on one of the tables that had his full address on it… needless to say I made sure I got rid of it sharpish!

Anyway, I digress! I did find this book a hard read initially because Derren walks you through the timeline of humanity, with a specific focus on Stoicism. It was one of those books where I really needed to think and contemplate everything that was written in order to fully understand it. Stoicism stems from Greek Philosophy and the dictionary definition of it is: “the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint.” Turns out I was naturally very good at this without the prior understanding of Stoicism! However, whilst I was good at not displaying feelings publically, when alone, I often ‘turned into a bit of a mess’.

This book helped me enormously as it explains, quite eloquently, how we can effectively manage our emotions and the impacts of trauma by understanding that it is not a ‘birth right’ to be happy. Happiness is a choice and you have to ‘work at it.’

MY ONE TAKEAWAY

There was a phrase that Derren wrote about extensively in the book: “You can only control your own thoughts and actions.” This notion is so simple and was the game changer for me. I suddenly realised how much time I had spent being upset by other people in my life. I never moaned about it, I’ve never been a moaner. I’m a ‘get on with it’ type of woman. On the flipside however, because I used to bottle ‘stuff’ up, there would come a point where I would ‘go off like a bottle of pop.’ Not in an angry way but in a ‘Oh no, I really can’t stop crying my eyes out and oh god, now I’m snotting everywhere’ kind of way (attractive). BUT when it dawned on me that actually, regardless of whatever s**t life throws at me, I can determine how I feel about it and how I react to it, then I suddenly found myself to be much calmer. That’s not to say that everything was OK because I ‘made’ it OK. What happened as a result of being calmer, was that it gave me more clarity, and having more clarity opened my eyes to the world I was living in. Clarity, combined with certain ‘catalytic situations,’ gave me the strength to make the changes I needed to live a fulfilled life.

Derren doesn’t dismiss the fact that one can’t help feeling emotional, whether that’s sadness, anger or frustration about the loss of the loved one for example, or experiencing trauma such as abuse or losing a limb in an accident. But what he goes on to explain is that you have the power to change what that means to you.

If I’ve learnt anything over the last few years, it’s that the best person who can help you overcome hardship or trauma, is yourself. I would add to this to say that I am a big advocate for seeking help from others, such as friends and family and even a counsellor – actually especially a counsellor. That said, whilst they can listen to you and offer all the best advice in the world… it’s down to you to turn it into action. No one else can make it better but you.

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One Surprising Thing I Have Learned About Myself In 2020

Following the last blog post I wrote on #BAMEOver, I decided to submit it as an article to Thrive Global – which was launched by Arianna Huffington of The Huffington Post. Thrive is ‘on a mission to unlock human potential‘ and they have created a community of global contributors who write on all sorts of subjects. As I really enjoy writing and want to do more of it, I thought I’d send in the #BAMEOver piece to see whether I’d actually get published.

I tweaked it slightly, following a chat with a woman who used to work at board level at 20th Century Fox, where I explained the reasons behind the sudden split of my parent’s marriage and what happened thereafter. She said to me: “You need to share your full story.” And so I did. The article was approved and published by Thrive Global within hours. You can read it here.

I had written on Instagram that I was going to get my thinking cap on and figure out what to write next. Then lo and behold, an automated email appeared in my inbox from Thrive asking me to submit a piece to share ‘one surprising thing I have learned about myself in 2020.’ And so I did…again! And again, it was approved and published within hours.

Rather than copying and pasting the piece here, I will direct you to it 👉🏼 CLICK HERE.

Hope you enjoy reading it. 🙏🏼

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Strong Vulnerability

Years ago, I was told by a woman in a leadership position to be ‘vulnerable’ because not everyone could work in the way I did/could. I was in my mid 20s at the time and a bit of a cocky so and so… I was still liked by my peers (or at least I think I was!) but I realise now that I had a ‘I can do it all, why can’t you?’ attitude. Which isn’t helpful and actually quite judgemental.

Back then I thought to be vulnerable was to be weak. I couldn’t understand why I was being told to be vulnerable. I just didn’t get it. Surely as an employer they’d want me and my colleagues to be working at our best?!

10 years on I get it.

I have found that being vulnerable has led to great working relationships and friendships, because having that openness creates trust, rapport and empathy in a way that nothing else does.

There are two articles I want to share from The School of Life about vulnerability that will help you get it too… that is, if you haven’t got it already! And even if you have got it, they’re still a good read!

First one titled Leaning into Vulnerability. Favourite line:

“…that our connection with those around us was significantly deepened by sharing more of the turmoil of our inner lives – and most unexpectedly of all, that the revelation of our vulnerability could make us appear stronger rather than weaker in the eyes of others.“

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/leaning-in-to-vulnerability/

Second one titled Should We Play it Cool When We Like Someone? Before I share my favourite line from this, I want to provide some context – given the title. So, I have done (and continue to do) a LOT of reading into self development both professionally and personally. I had read a recommended book by The School Of Life called How to Overcome Your Childhood – the latest bonus episode of my podcast discusses three key points made in said book. I then came across this article. The title grabbed my attention because I had been thinking about dating for quite some time. I recently opened my mind to using a dating app… that’s a whole other story right there! Anyway, when I read this, it was like an epiphany – this term ‘Strong Vulnerability’ seemed to sum up my approach in life and some of what is written in this article can be applied to any relationship, whether it be at work or at home. Now for the favourite line:

“The strongly vulnerable person is a diplomat of the emotions who manages carefully to unite on the one hand self-confidence and independence and on the other, a capacity for closeness, self-revelation and honesty.”

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/should-we-play-it-cool-when-we-like-someone/

Hope you like these reads as much as I did! Let me know by dropping a comment below 👇🏼

Photo by JESSICA TICOZZELLI from Pexels

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