Tag: mental health

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Mental Health Awareness Week

So. Mental Health Awareness Week. Everyone’s been talking about it. I’ve jumped on the band wagon. Clearly.

I am someone who has actively advocated the importance of emotional well-being. If you’re a regular listener of my podcast, you’ll know that with every series I have included a bonus episode with Uschi, who used to be my counsellor. I’ve listed where you can listen to these episodes at the end of this blog post. We talk about her top three ‘Keeping It Reals’ that we should all live by generally, how to overcome your childhood and affirmations vs afformations- what’s that last one? Listen to the episode!

I’m writing this at 11pm on a weeknight…when I promised myself I would improve on my ‘sleep hygiene’ and make sure I get a good solid 8 hours sleep per night. Alas, that’s not going to happen tonight, because now my mind is whirring away with what I want to say in this particular post.

It shouldn’t take a ‘Mental Health Awareness Week’ for us to acknowledge how vital it is for us to be talking about depression, emotional well-being, anxiety, bi-polar, psychosis etc, without it being a taboo subject. I use to tell my friends that depression (and the like) is like a cancer of the mind. Not from personal experience – I can’t say I have been depressed or lived with an illness that affects the mind. But I have been around people close to me who live with depression and psychosis. And in my not so distant past I have felt despair. I know how tough it is when you can’t think straight, when you can’t see the wood for the trees, when it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel…except there is… always… light at the end of the tunnel. Cliché 🤷🏻‍♀️

I want to share what helped me… and it was counselling. I’ve written about the benefits before so I won’t repeat myself (check out this previous blog post here). But I did have another great tip to share from Uschi…

In my sessions with her I used this term ‘get a grip’ consistently, not just about myself but when I was talking about others too. Needless to say, it really isn’t helpful to have this mindset and expectation of oneself… or others!

For me, I used this term as a way of blocking my feelings. I’d put on a show for everyone, the smile was always on display. In 1:1 chats with people I would breakdown…sometimes when there wasn’t time for those chats, I’d sit alone, in my car, in the carpark at work, at the end of a long day of ‘keeping up appearances’ and just cry. Proper snotball sobbing (attractive). Then I’d give myself a hard time for allowing myself to cry and keep telling myself ‘I need to get a grip’.

My expectation of others was not down to a lack of empathy. I used to be quite the people pleaser and always put others before myself. It was more because I would build resentment to those I was ‘pleasing’ and myself. I would wish they would change and just ‘get a grip’ because I felt like I was being taken for a mug. And then I’d beat myself up for not doing anything about it – and that’s no good for no-one.

So Uschi’s tip on getting over ‘getting a grip’ was to put my hand on my heart and just allow myself to feel what I feel. If you follow me on social media, you’ll know that I refer to ‘Hand on Heart’ a lot and use these emojis ✋🏼 on ❤️… A LOT! I’ve had many transformative tips over the last two years and this has been one of the most important ones… because it has finally helped me LISTEN TO MYSELF! Sounds like a weird thing to say, but I never listened to myself before. I ignored myself. I put myself last. Every. Single. Time.

By taking a few moments to put ✋🏼 on ❤️ and just sit with my feelings and acknowledge them, it is easier to ‘let go’ of any negative energy because I confront those feelings head on. Then I figure out what I need to do to resolve them… and more often than not in my case, the resolution is always an act of self-compassion, i.e., setting boundaries. This means saying ‘no’ or ‘not right now’ or ‘I can do this instead’. This approach has been life changing. Because now I set clear expectations from the off. I don’t put everything all on my own shoulders to sort and in turn I have been respected more for it (in some cases I haven’t been and there has been resentment from the other person but I no longer have the people pleasing side of me. I am now OK with them not being OK).

So that’s it…from Uschi – ✋🏼 on ❤️ feel what you feel and from me… set boundaries. I make it sound easy. It isn’t. But with time and practice it becomes a lot easier. Remember to read the previous blog post I referred to earlier because I share some useful info on who to follow on Insta for inspiration!

Oh and I do have another tip – a recent discovery – the Wim Hof Method! It’s a breathing technique that just opens me up and has really helped transform my meditating! Check out Russell Brand’s podcast Under The Skin. He has a specific episode with Wim Hof which you can listen to here. Fast forward in at 59 minutes and 17 seconds. This breath work is an amazing way to get a natural high…it gives me the tingles! I’ve been doing this first thing every morning for the last couple of months… it’s the best way to start the day!

Here are the podcast episodes with Uschi I mentioned earlier: Her Keeping It Reals, How To Overcome Your Childhood, Affirmations vs Afformations.

If you need help with your emotional well-being there are affordable alternatives to private counselling (just because NHS waiting lists are huge). Better Help could work for you. There are also the charities Mind and Samaritans who can offer you support. In the meantime, I hope the podcast episodes I have shared goes some way to helping you or someone you know. 🙏🏼🙂

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The Journey to Journaling

I’ve already written a little on the subject of journaling under the About page on my website. I was prompted to write about it in more detail in the form of a blog post because I was recently asked; Why do people do it? How do you even start to journal? What’s the point?

I want to reiterate that it was suggested to me to start journaling by a fab friend – it wasn’t something I discovered myself. This one bit of advice has CHANGED MY LIFE. It helps to clear my mind and free’s me of tension.

The image featured in this post is of the inside cover of my journal and on that is a drawing of me by an ex-colleague of mine called Martin. I worked with him at Practice Plan. He is a really talented graphic designer and artist. It was Martin who came up with my favourite nick name ‘Glam Tan’, well it was originally ‘Glamourous Tanya,’ as you can see! But then over time it evolved to become much ‘snappier’! My colleagues at Practice Plan used to take the p*ss out of me for wearing a little handbag at events I was managing – ALL THE TIME…. I never took it off 😅 It was because I had everything I needed in that little bag, as a true events professional does; my phone, a pen and piece of paper, lip balm, paracetmol, a mirror, my purse (with actual cash), hand sanitiser (before it became a proper thing because of Covid), a USB stick and finally it had a handy front pocket where I could easily attach a walkie talkie or talk back comms. Sadly the bag is no more – it started to disintegrate. Anyway, I digress…

I thought it would be useful to share my top three tips to start your journey to journaling, in case it is something you have thought about but not sure how to go about it. And if you have never thought about it before… I would strongly recommend you do!

TIP #1 : Be strategic and specific all at the same time

It can be a bit daunting to unleash all your thoughts on to paper. I’d start with being a little strategic about what you want to gain as a result of journaling. Whilst I’m using the word ‘strategic’ as if it’s a corporate task, it is actually the best kind of baby step to take before you get to a point of doing a complete brain dump on the page. So start with the bigger picture – how do you want to feel overall – and be specific – do you want to feel ‘lighter’ because bearing that specific load feels heavier and heavier each day? Do you want to feel ‘clearer’ about the direction you want to take with a specific situation? Do you want to feel ‘better’ about a specific aspect of yourself? Notice I have used the word ‘specific’ with every example here…if you’re not specific (can I write specific any more times here?! 😬😅) about whatever it is you want to resolve, then your journal becomes like a ‘dear diary’ with no aim. I realise I’m stating being strategic on the one hand and being specific on the other, which is a bit of an oxymoron… in this case being strategic and specific is intertwined, you need to get an idea of the bigger picture first, to allow you to focus in on what part of the picture needs to be edited to make it look better for all time!

TIP #2 : Mind mapping is your mate!

Once you’ve ascertained the point of your journal (which will change and evolve over time, depending on what situations you have resolved) then you need to get more specific with the specifics. This is brain dump time. It’s about drilling down, getting to the nitty gritty of why you’re feeling the way you are about a certain situation or even a certain person. Start off with that question you’re always asking yourself – and deep down you know what it is, even if on the surface you feel you don’t. This requires you to let go of your ego, to let go of the fear and get comfortable with being uncomfortable – because you need to be able to sit with your thoughts. To help you get to a point of sitting with your thoughts, I will suggest to you what my counsellor once suggested to me… she said to put my hand on my heart and let myself feel what I feel. And, in case you’re not familiar with what a mind map is, you draw a circle in the middle of the page and within that circle you write either the situation you want to resolve or that question you’re always asking yourself. Then you draw arrows out from the circle and write the first thoughts that come to your mind, without any hesitation. DO NOT OVER THINK IT. You basically let rip. You’ll be amazed what comes out.

TIP #3

Identify trends. It is highly likely that you will have more than one situation you want to resolve in your life and more than one question you’re always asking yourself. So repeat the above for each situation and/or question as time goes by. Then every month or so, look back at what you have written in your mind maps and see if you can spot any trends. Are there any patterns of the same type of thoughts for each situation or question? Are you repeating certain negative thoughts or noting repeat behaviours (that are likely to be unhelpful or harmful) when trying to deal with that situation? Are you even trying to deal with it or are you just living with it? Maybe you’ll realise that you’re being consistently treated in an unacceptable way, but it wasn’t something you acknowledged until you wrote it down. Maybe it’s you who is treating someone else in an unacceptable way. Writing your thoughts, helps you to organise them. It gives you clarity in a way that nothing else can – but only if you’re willing to do the work and as the youth say, ‘get woke’. Yes, talking to friends is always a great way to help you, yet sometimes friends can be biased, they may tell you what you want to hear so as to not ‘rock the boat.’ Whatever it is you’re experiencing, may be as a result of how you are behaving and that may need to change for the better.

AND NOW WHAT?

So once you start journaling and you have identified the trends, then what do you do? Well, it might be that you can find books or articles to read up on about this particular situation or question you have asked yourself that can help you with figuring out the next steps. Or a listen to a podcast or watch a YouTube video that discusses this.

I would also encourage you to invest the time and – if you can afford to do so – money, in counselling. In my next blog post, I’ll share advice on how to find the right counsellor for you. In the mean time, if you have read this and need help now, there is an online counselling service called Better Help that I’ve recently heard about as both Elizabeth Day and Russell Brand have talked about them on their podcasts.

Feel free to message me via the contact form here or comment below if after reading this you’d like further advice on journaling. In the spirit of service… I am happy to help. 😁

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Happy

I guess this is a weird post to share on Christmas Day but given how 2020 has turned out, I thought it would be good to share something useful that may help you as we head into 2021 with continued uncertainty – albeit a Covid-19 vaccine is in sight. So here it goes…

I first spotted this book on a bookshelf at Cheltenham Literature Festival 2016. The cover and title instantly got my attention. It was in my favourite colour (blue) and the title ‘Happy’ was a state I desperately wanted to be in. I appeared happy to many but the reality was the opposite. Turned out that this was the book that changed everything for me…

Incidentally, I did meet Derren Brown as he was doing a talk at the festival to promote the book and to do a book signing. I was co-managing the welcome desk at The Writers’ Room and as I was talking him through everything he needed to know, I was putting on his festival wristband. It’s one of those typical plastic festival type of wristbands, or as some of the guests/authors would say: “it’s like a hospital band!” I was trying to press the pin in to secure it on and as I did so, I caught the hairs from his arm into the pin bit. I was mortified 😱 I knew I had done it and I could see him wince, but I never said sorry. I just pretended it didn’t happen 🙈 Bless him, he did not say a thing to me about it and was so lovely. He also left a second part of his ticket for another show on one of the tables that had his full address on it… needless to say I made sure I got rid of it sharpish!

Anyway, I digress! I did find this book a hard read initially because Derren walks you through the timeline of humanity, with a specific focus on Stoicism. It was one of those books where I really needed to think and contemplate everything that was written in order to fully understand it. Stoicism stems from Greek Philosophy and the dictionary definition of it is: “the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint.” Turns out I was naturally very good at this without the prior understanding of Stoicism! However, whilst I was good at not displaying feelings publically, when alone, I often ‘turned into a bit of a mess’.

This book helped me enormously as it explains, quite eloquently, how we can effectively manage our emotions and the impacts of trauma by understanding that it is not a ‘birth right’ to be happy. Happiness is a choice and you have to ‘work at it.’

MY ONE TAKEAWAY

There was a phrase that Derren wrote about extensively in the book: “You can only control your own thoughts and actions.” This notion is so simple and was the game changer for me. I suddenly realised how much time I had spent being upset by other people in my life. I never moaned about it, I’ve never been a moaner. I’m a ‘get on with it’ type of woman. On the flipside however, because I used to bottle ‘stuff’ up, there would come a point where I would ‘go off like a bottle of pop.’ Not in an angry way but in a ‘Oh no, I really can’t stop crying my eyes out and oh god, now I’m snotting everywhere’ kind of way (attractive). BUT when it dawned on me that actually, regardless of whatever s**t life throws at me, I can determine how I feel about it and how I react to it, then I suddenly found myself to be much calmer. That’s not to say that everything was OK because I ‘made’ it OK. What happened as a result of being calmer, was that it gave me more clarity, and having more clarity opened my eyes to the world I was living in. Clarity, combined with certain ‘catalytic situations,’ gave me the strength to make the changes I needed to live a fulfilled life.

Derren doesn’t dismiss the fact that one can’t help feeling emotional, whether that’s sadness, anger or frustration about the loss of the loved one for example, or experiencing trauma such as abuse or losing a limb in an accident. But what he goes on to explain is that you have the power to change what that means to you.

If I’ve learnt anything over the last few years, it’s that the best person who can help you overcome hardship or trauma, is yourself. I would add to this to say that I am a big advocate for seeking help from others, such as friends and family and even a counsellor – actually especially a counsellor. That said, whilst they can listen to you and offer all the best advice in the world… it’s down to you to turn it into action. No one else can make it better but you.

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