Month: March 2021

Following on from my last blog post I had promised to write about what to look for in a counsellor. Since I have been very open about receiving counselling and its benefits, I have been asked a few times now how I went about finding my own counsellor.

THE WHY

Firstly, I think it’s essential to establish WHY you feel you need counselling. The ‘why’ will obviously be because you’re not feeling good. You do not need to have experienced a huge traumatic event to validate gaining access to help through counselling. Equally, there will be more complexities in any indivdiual case.

I have decided to write about it to share my own lived experience more widely because when sharing it on a 1:2:1 basis, it has been of benefit to those who have reached out to me.

My advice is to work out WHY you’re not feeling good…what is the root cause? That’s where journaling can help – do click on the link above to my last blog post on journaling to find out more. Once you have identified WHY (whether through journaling or another method) then you can work out who is best placed to help you. When you know why then you know how… it’s not that simple though, because it may not be clear what type of counsellor can help you straight away – it’ll take time to figure that out… so how do you do that?

THE HOW

I didn’t look for credentials or the qualifications of a counsellor. I went with someone who aligned with my values. For me, I wasn’t buying a product… it’s not like buying a washing machine for example, where you look up reviews to make sure you’re getting the best bang for your buck. Yes it’s a service and yes you are paying for it, but that exchange is just as much of an emotional transaction as it a financial one. You will be opening up on all sorts of past experiences and you need to be comfortable sharing that with someone you trust.

Go with your gut and try not to be sceptical. Most counsellors have an online profile that outlines how they help their clients. My approach was based on location initially (so this was pre-Covid where the thought of online counselling hadn’t even crossed my mind) and then reading profiles of those counsellors near me. I was very lucky. If I’m honest it felt like the universe was helping me out on my discovery. The counsellor I chose is German (I have a close friend who lives in Munich), she loves nature (as do I) and does walking therapy – I love walking in nature and thought this was a great alternative to sitting in a room. Sadly, I didn’t do walking therapy as I couldn’t find a suitable time to do that with her, but it’s basically going out for a walk along an area in Bristol called Clifton Downs surrounded by trees, grass and nature, sharing your ‘turmoil’ in what seems to be in a really tranquil way.

Of course now, the world is your lobster! 🌍🦞 and you can find a counsellor to work with from anywhere since the use of video conferencing tools like Zoom and Google Meet have become the norm due to the pandemic. So I’d say, rather than location, focus on your values and interests first – what are the things you like doing? What traits do you admire in a person? On their profiles, some counsellors will talk about their hobbies and how they interact with their clients/patients. What I am writing here seems very similar to the process of dating! 😅 But really, it is sort of like that. You need to find a counsellor you will ‘click’ with, who you will trust to guide you as you share your deepest and most private thoughts and feelings.

THE THEN WHAT?

Throughout your first four sessions or so you’re likely to be doing all of the talking…it’s an information gathering exercise. The counsellor needs that time to get a full picture of all of your experiences that have led to where you are now. There maybe an element of trial and error here, as in you may not find the right ‘fit’ first time – just like dating! But you will know from the first session, instinctively and immediately, whether they will be right for you – and some counsellors offer a free 20-30 minute introductory ‘taster’ session, so it is possible to find the right one for you without spending a penny. To reiterate; base your decision on your gut, how their values align with yours and not what letters they have after their name. They can have all the letters in all the world after their name…and still be shit at the job. Your counsellor shouldn’t be the best one on the market, they should be the best one for YOU.

INVESTMENT vs SPEND

In my last blog post, I offered advice on where to find affordable counselling services online such as Better Help. In the UK you can be placed on a waiting list to receive free ‘Talking Therapy’ however, the waiting list for such services are very long. Many employers in the UK have Employee Assisted Programmes where you can access x6 free sessions to a counsellor. If you can afford to pay for the services but are reluctant to spend money on it then my advice would be this…think of it as an investment rather than a spend. Once you have found the right counsellor for you, I guarantee it will change the way you approach everything. You will understand yourself better, you will understand other people better and that inevitably leads to living your life better.

USEFUL RESOURCES

I interviewed my counsellor on my podcast. I have recorded two bonus episodes with her (1 per series and at the time of writing this post we have another recording for Series 3 scheduled which will be published on Wednesday 30th March 2021). Links to listen to these episodes via Apple Podcast and Spotify are further below. In the first bonus episode we talked about two interconnected frameworks which were complete revelations to me upon hearing about them… The Drama Triangle and The Empowerment Dynamic.

Basically we all go about our lives between these three character states: the Victim, the Rescuer and the Persecutor. These characters ‘sit’ at each point of The Drama Triangle (which is inverted) and is anxiety based/problem focused. What you are encouraged to do is ‘flip’ this and work to The Empowerment Dynamic, where the three character states switch: the Victim becomes the Creator, the Rescuer become the Coach (or as my counsellor referred to it as the Enabler – which I prefer because it sounds more empowering without a ‘hierarchy’ but then it is just semantics – ‘coach’ and ‘enabler’ are the same thing I suppose!) and the Persecutor becomes the Challenger. All super interesting stuff! In the second bonus episode we talked about three aspects from a book I read by The School of Life called How To Overcome Your Childhood. I also wrote a blog post about this book which you can read here.

Bonus Episode 1 on Apple Podcasts Bonus Episode 1 on Spotify

Bonus Episode 2 on Apple Podcasts Bonus Episode 2 on Spotify

I’d also point you in the direction of this brilliant Instagram account: @the.holistic.psychologist owned by Dr. Nicole LePera. I have a love/hate relationship with social media 😬😅🤦🏻‍♀️, however, I must say that without social media I would never have encountered the brilliant advice Dr. Nicole shares. And even more excitingly, she has just released a book called How To Do The Work.

I’m never really sure how many people actually engage with my blog (I should really check the stats 😬😅🤦🏻‍♀️) but if this helps just one person – it’s been worth the few hours it has taken me to write this.

Photo by Anthony Shkraba from Pexels