Tag: emotional wellbeing

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Mental Health Awareness Week

So. Mental Health Awareness Week. Everyone’s been talking about it. I’ve jumped on the band wagon. Clearly.

I am someone who has actively advocated the importance of emotional well-being. If you’re a regular listener of my podcast, you’ll know that with every series I have included a bonus episode with Uschi, who used to be my counsellor. I’ve listed where you can listen to these episodes at the end of this blog post. We talk about her top three ‘Keeping It Reals’ that we should all live by generally, how to overcome your childhood and affirmations vs afformations- what’s that last one? Listen to the episode!

I’m writing this at 11pm on a weeknight…when I promised myself I would improve on my ‘sleep hygiene’ and make sure I get a good solid 8 hours sleep per night. Alas, that’s not going to happen tonight, because now my mind is whirring away with what I want to say in this particular post.

It shouldn’t take a ‘Mental Health Awareness Week’ for us to acknowledge how vital it is for us to be talking about depression, emotional well-being, anxiety, bi-polar, psychosis etc, without it being a taboo subject. I use to tell my friends that depression (and the like) is like a cancer of the mind. Not from personal experience – I can’t say I have been depressed or lived with an illness that affects the mind. But I have been around people close to me who live with depression and psychosis. And in my not so distant past I have felt despair. I know how tough it is when you can’t think straight, when you can’t see the wood for the trees, when it feels like there is no light at the end of the tunnel…except there is… always… light at the end of the tunnel. Cliché 🤷🏻‍♀️

I want to share what helped me… and it was counselling. I’ve written about the benefits before so I won’t repeat myself (check out this previous blog post here). But I did have another great tip to share from Uschi…

In my sessions with her I used this term ‘get a grip’ consistently, not just about myself but when I was talking about others too. Needless to say, it really isn’t helpful to have this mindset and expectation of oneself… or others!

For me, I used this term as a way of blocking my feelings. I’d put on a show for everyone, the smile was always on display. In 1:1 chats with people I would breakdown…sometimes when there wasn’t time for those chats, I’d sit alone, in my car, in the carpark at work, at the end of a long day of ‘keeping up appearances’ and just cry. Proper snotball sobbing (attractive). Then I’d give myself a hard time for allowing myself to cry and keep telling myself ‘I need to get a grip’.

My expectation of others was not down to a lack of empathy. I used to be quite the people pleaser and always put others before myself. It was more because I would build resentment to those I was ‘pleasing’ and myself. I would wish they would change and just ‘get a grip’ because I felt like I was being taken for a mug. And then I’d beat myself up for not doing anything about it – and that’s no good for no-one.

So Uschi’s tip on getting over ‘getting a grip’ was to put my hand on my heart and just allow myself to feel what I feel. If you follow me on social media, you’ll know that I refer to ‘Hand on Heart’ a lot and use these emojis ✋🏼 on ❤️… A LOT! I’ve had many transformative tips over the last two years and this has been one of the most important ones… because it has finally helped me LISTEN TO MYSELF! Sounds like a weird thing to say, but I never listened to myself before. I ignored myself. I put myself last. Every. Single. Time.

By taking a few moments to put ✋🏼 on ❤️ and just sit with my feelings and acknowledge them, it is easier to ‘let go’ of any negative energy because I confront those feelings head on. Then I figure out what I need to do to resolve them… and more often than not in my case, the resolution is always an act of self-compassion, i.e., setting boundaries. This means saying ‘no’ or ‘not right now’ or ‘I can do this instead’. This approach has been life changing. Because now I set clear expectations from the off. I don’t put everything all on my own shoulders to sort and in turn I have been respected more for it (in some cases I haven’t been and there has been resentment from the other person but I no longer have the people pleasing side of me. I am now OK with them not being OK).

So that’s it…from Uschi – ✋🏼 on ❤️ feel what you feel and from me… set boundaries. I make it sound easy. It isn’t. But with time and practice it becomes a lot easier. Remember to read the previous blog post I referred to earlier because I share some useful info on who to follow on Insta for inspiration!

Oh and I do have another tip – a recent discovery – the Wim Hof Method! It’s a breathing technique that just opens me up and has really helped transform my meditating! Check out Russell Brand’s podcast Under The Skin. He has a specific episode with Wim Hof which you can listen to here. Fast forward in at 59 minutes and 17 seconds. This breath work is an amazing way to get a natural high…it gives me the tingles! I’ve been doing this first thing every morning for the last couple of months… it’s the best way to start the day!

Here are the podcast episodes with Uschi I mentioned earlier: Her Keeping It Reals, How To Overcome Your Childhood, Affirmations vs Afformations.

If you need help with your emotional well-being there are affordable alternatives to private counselling (just because NHS waiting lists are huge). Better Help could work for you. There are also the charities Mind and Samaritans who can offer you support. In the meantime, I hope the podcast episodes I have shared goes some way to helping you or someone you know. 🙏🏼🙂

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What to look for in a counsellor

Following on from my last blog post I had promised to write about what to look for in a counsellor. Since I have been very open about receiving counselling and its benefits, I have been asked a few times now how I went about finding my own counsellor.

THE WHY

Firstly, I think it’s essential to establish WHY you feel you need counselling. The ‘why’ will obviously be because you’re not feeling good. You do not need to have experienced a huge traumatic event to validate gaining access to help through counselling. Equally, there will be more complexities in any indivdiual case.

I have decided to write about it to share my own lived experience more widely because when sharing it on a 1:2:1 basis, it has been of benefit to those who have reached out to me.

My advice is to work out WHY you’re not feeling good…what is the root cause? That’s where journaling can help – do click on the link above to my last blog post on journaling to find out more. Once you have identified WHY (whether through journaling or another method) then you can work out who is best placed to help you. When you know why then you know how… it’s not that simple though, because it may not be clear what type of counsellor can help you straight away – it’ll take time to figure that out… so how do you do that?

THE HOW

I didn’t look for credentials or the qualifications of a counsellor. I went with someone who aligned with my values. For me, I wasn’t buying a product… it’s not like buying a washing machine for example, where you look up reviews to make sure you’re getting the best bang for your buck. Yes it’s a service and yes you are paying for it, but that exchange is just as much of an emotional transaction as it a financial one. You will be opening up on all sorts of past experiences and you need to be comfortable sharing that with someone you trust.

Go with your gut and try not to be sceptical. Most counsellors have an online profile that outlines how they help their clients. My approach was based on location initially (so this was pre-Covid where the thought of online counselling hadn’t even crossed my mind) and then reading profiles of those counsellors near me. I was very lucky. If I’m honest it felt like the universe was helping me out on my discovery. The counsellor I chose is German (I have a close friend who lives in Munich), she loves nature (as do I) and does walking therapy – I love walking in nature and thought this was a great alternative to sitting in a room. Sadly, I didn’t do walking therapy as I couldn’t find a suitable time to do that with her, but it’s basically going out for a walk along an area in Bristol called Clifton Downs surrounded by trees, grass and nature, sharing your ‘turmoil’ in what seems to be in a really tranquil way.

Of course now, the world is your lobster! 🌍🦞 and you can find a counsellor to work with from anywhere since the use of video conferencing tools like Zoom and Google Meet have become the norm due to the pandemic. So I’d say, rather than location, focus on your values and interests first – what are the things you like doing? What traits do you admire in a person? On their profiles, some counsellors will talk about their hobbies and how they interact with their clients/patients. What I am writing here seems very similar to the process of dating! 😅 But really, it is sort of like that. You need to find a counsellor you will ‘click’ with, who you will trust to guide you as you share your deepest and most private thoughts and feelings.

THE THEN WHAT?

Throughout your first four sessions or so you’re likely to be doing all of the talking…it’s an information gathering exercise. The counsellor needs that time to get a full picture of all of your experiences that have led to where you are now. There maybe an element of trial and error here, as in you may not find the right ‘fit’ first time – just like dating! But you will know from the first session, instinctively and immediately, whether they will be right for you – and some counsellors offer a free 20-30 minute introductory ‘taster’ session, so it is possible to find the right one for you without spending a penny. To reiterate; base your decision on your gut, how their values align with yours and not what letters they have after their name. They can have all the letters in all the world after their name…and still be shit at the job. Your counsellor shouldn’t be the best one on the market, they should be the best one for YOU.

INVESTMENT vs SPEND

In my last blog post, I offered advice on where to find affordable counselling services online such as Better Help. In the UK you can be placed on a waiting list to receive free ‘Talking Therapy’ however, the waiting list for such services are very long. Many employers in the UK have Employee Assisted Programmes where you can access x6 free sessions to a counsellor. If you can afford to pay for the services but are reluctant to spend money on it then my advice would be this…think of it as an investment rather than a spend. Once you have found the right counsellor for you, I guarantee it will change the way you approach everything. You will understand yourself better, you will understand other people better and that inevitably leads to living your life better.

USEFUL RESOURCES

I interviewed my counsellor on my podcast. I have recorded two bonus episodes with her (1 per series and at the time of writing this post we have another recording for Series 3 scheduled which will be published on Wednesday 30th March 2021). Links to listen to these episodes via Apple Podcast and Spotify are further below. In the first bonus episode we talked about two interconnected frameworks which were complete revelations to me upon hearing about them… The Drama Triangle and The Empowerment Dynamic.

Basically we all go about our lives between these three character states: the Victim, the Rescuer and the Persecutor. These characters ‘sit’ at each point of The Drama Triangle (which is inverted) and is anxiety based/problem focused. What you are encouraged to do is ‘flip’ this and work to The Empowerment Dynamic, where the three character states switch: the Victim becomes the Creator, the Rescuer become the Coach (or as my counsellor referred to it as the Enabler – which I prefer because it sounds more empowering without a ‘hierarchy’ but then it is just semantics – ‘coach’ and ‘enabler’ are the same thing I suppose!) and the Persecutor becomes the Challenger. All super interesting stuff! In the second bonus episode we talked about three aspects from a book I read by The School of Life called How To Overcome Your Childhood. I also wrote a blog post about this book which you can read here.

Bonus Episode 1 on Apple Podcasts Bonus Episode 1 on Spotify

Bonus Episode 2 on Apple Podcasts Bonus Episode 2 on Spotify

I’d also point you in the direction of this brilliant Instagram account: @the.holistic.psychologist owned by Dr. Nicole LePera. I have a love/hate relationship with social media 😬😅🤦🏻‍♀️, however, I must say that without social media I would never have encountered the brilliant advice Dr. Nicole shares. And even more excitingly, she has just released a book called How To Do The Work.

I’m never really sure how many people actually engage with my blog (I should really check the stats 😬😅🤦🏻‍♀️) but if this helps just one person – it’s been worth the few hours it has taken me to write this.

Photo by Anthony Shkraba from Pexels

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The Journey to Journaling

I’ve already written a little on the subject of journaling under the About page on my website. I was prompted to write about it in more detail in the form of a blog post because I was recently asked; Why do people do it? How do you even start to journal? What’s the point?

I want to reiterate that it was suggested to me to start journaling by a fab friend – it wasn’t something I discovered myself. This one bit of advice has CHANGED MY LIFE. It helps to clear my mind and free’s me of tension.

The image featured in this post is of the inside cover of my journal and on that is a drawing of me by an ex-colleague of mine called Martin. I worked with him at Practice Plan. He is a really talented graphic designer and artist. It was Martin who came up with my favourite nick name ‘Glam Tan’, well it was originally ‘Glamourous Tanya,’ as you can see! But then over time it evolved to become much ‘snappier’! My colleagues at Practice Plan used to take the p*ss out of me for wearing a little handbag at events I was managing – ALL THE TIME…. I never took it off 😅 It was because I had everything I needed in that little bag, as a true events professional does; my phone, a pen and piece of paper, lip balm, paracetmol, a mirror, my purse (with actual cash), hand sanitiser (before it became a proper thing because of Covid), a USB stick and finally it had a handy front pocket where I could easily attach a walkie talkie or talk back comms. Sadly the bag is no more – it started to disintegrate. Anyway, I digress…

I thought it would be useful to share my top three tips to start your journey to journaling, in case it is something you have thought about but not sure how to go about it. And if you have never thought about it before… I would strongly recommend you do!

TIP #1 : Be strategic and specific all at the same time

It can be a bit daunting to unleash all your thoughts on to paper. I’d start with being a little strategic about what you want to gain as a result of journaling. Whilst I’m using the word ‘strategic’ as if it’s a corporate task, it is actually the best kind of baby step to take before you get to a point of doing a complete brain dump on the page. So start with the bigger picture – how do you want to feel overall – and be specific – do you want to feel ‘lighter’ because bearing that specific load feels heavier and heavier each day? Do you want to feel ‘clearer’ about the direction you want to take with a specific situation? Do you want to feel ‘better’ about a specific aspect of yourself? Notice I have used the word ‘specific’ with every example here…if you’re not specific (can I write specific any more times here?! 😬😅) about whatever it is you want to resolve, then your journal becomes like a ‘dear diary’ with no aim. I realise I’m stating being strategic on the one hand and being specific on the other, which is a bit of an oxymoron… in this case being strategic and specific is intertwined, you need to get an idea of the bigger picture first, to allow you to focus in on what part of the picture needs to be edited to make it look better for all time!

TIP #2 : Mind mapping is your mate!

Once you’ve ascertained the point of your journal (which will change and evolve over time, depending on what situations you have resolved) then you need to get more specific with the specifics. This is brain dump time. It’s about drilling down, getting to the nitty gritty of why you’re feeling the way you are about a certain situation or even a certain person. Start off with that question you’re always asking yourself – and deep down you know what it is, even if on the surface you feel you don’t. This requires you to let go of your ego, to let go of the fear and get comfortable with being uncomfortable – because you need to be able to sit with your thoughts. To help you get to a point of sitting with your thoughts, I will suggest to you what my counsellor once suggested to me… she said to put my hand on my heart and let myself feel what I feel. And, in case you’re not familiar with what a mind map is, you draw a circle in the middle of the page and within that circle you write either the situation you want to resolve or that question you’re always asking yourself. Then you draw arrows out from the circle and write the first thoughts that come to your mind, without any hesitation. DO NOT OVER THINK IT. You basically let rip. You’ll be amazed what comes out.

TIP #3

Identify trends. It is highly likely that you will have more than one situation you want to resolve in your life and more than one question you’re always asking yourself. So repeat the above for each situation and/or question as time goes by. Then every month or so, look back at what you have written in your mind maps and see if you can spot any trends. Are there any patterns of the same type of thoughts for each situation or question? Are you repeating certain negative thoughts or noting repeat behaviours (that are likely to be unhelpful or harmful) when trying to deal with that situation? Are you even trying to deal with it or are you just living with it? Maybe you’ll realise that you’re being consistently treated in an unacceptable way, but it wasn’t something you acknowledged until you wrote it down. Maybe it’s you who is treating someone else in an unacceptable way. Writing your thoughts, helps you to organise them. It gives you clarity in a way that nothing else can – but only if you’re willing to do the work and as the youth say, ‘get woke’. Yes, talking to friends is always a great way to help you, yet sometimes friends can be biased, they may tell you what you want to hear so as to not ‘rock the boat.’ Whatever it is you’re experiencing, may be as a result of how you are behaving and that may need to change for the better.

AND NOW WHAT?

So once you start journaling and you have identified the trends, then what do you do? Well, it might be that you can find books or articles to read up on about this particular situation or question you have asked yourself that can help you with figuring out the next steps. Or a listen to a podcast or watch a YouTube video that discusses this.

I would also encourage you to invest the time and – if you can afford to do so – money, in counselling. In my next blog post, I’ll share advice on how to find the right counsellor for you. In the mean time, if you have read this and need help now, there is an online counselling service called Better Help that I’ve recently heard about as both Elizabeth Day and Russell Brand have talked about them on their podcasts.

Feel free to message me via the contact form here or comment below if after reading this you’d like further advice on journaling. In the spirit of service… I am happy to help. 😁

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How to Overcome Your Childhood

This is a book that you need to be ready to read if you experienced trauma during childhood. You may not be ready to open that pandora’s box yet. It’s written by The School Of Life and I came across it as it was recommended by the author, Catherine Gray, on her Instagram page. Incidentally, I read her brilliant book, The Unexpected Joy Of Being Single, which I will write about in a future blog post.

How to Overcome Your Childhood explores just how much your parents have an impact on the person you are – which is a narrative that we hear time and time again these days. However, what this book does, is explain in layman’s terms how exactly that happens in all possible situations/examples. It doesn’t just discuss trauma. You may have had a very happy non-eventful type of childhood, but you’ve turned out to be a ‘people pleaser’ or an ‘over achiever’ (which the book points out aren’t necessarily good things) and this will be a direct result of the way your parents behaved with or around you.

I have recently come across an amazing Instagram account the.holistic.psychologist owned by Dr. Nicole LePera. I’d encourage everyone to follow her account as she also discusses the issues of childhood traumas. And like The School of Life, she explains that when it comes to trauma, “it’s not so much about the event [so does not necessarily have to be catastrophic]; it’s about how the event impacts us based on the support system of those closest to us. How it impacts our nervous system. And, how it disconnects us from our true authentic self. This is why few adults even know what their own needs are. It’s also why so few adults have boundaries or even know how to set them.”

Dr. Nicole has also written a book: How to do the Work – this is going to be my next book purchase! After I’ve read all the books I bought in lockdown 1.0 😅

Going back to the book this blog post is about – How to Overcome Your Childhood – it’s split into three parts; Introduction, Childhood-derived Challenges, Ways Forward

An absolutely fascinating read and it won’t take you long either – it took me around half a day. Once I started reading, I couldn’t stop.

MY ONE TAKEAWAY

In the introduction there is a section titled ‘Emotional Inheritance,’ which features a table that lists all the possible ‘childhood difficulties’ one may have encountered and beside each difficulty listed is an ‘adult consequence.’ This simple yet brilliant table is a bit of context setting to help you understand the rest of the topics explored throughout the book. Directly after this table, there is a chapter called Attraction to Difficult Partners – which features another table outlining certain behaviours displayed by a partner, our ‘child’ response to those behaviours and what our ‘adult’ response should be. I used to be quite sceptical when I heard sentences like ‘it’s your inner child coming out.’ However, this book combined with the counselling I received, changed my mind and now I realise the importance of understanding our past (every facet of it, down into the depth of the corners of our minds) in order to live a more fulfilled future. Once you’ve got it all out there and truly come to terms with it all… then that’s it. The world’s your lobster! 🌍🦞

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Happy

I guess this is a weird post to share on Christmas Day but given how 2020 has turned out, I thought it would be good to share something useful that may help you as we head into 2021 with continued uncertainty – albeit a Covid-19 vaccine is in sight. So here it goes…

I first spotted this book on a bookshelf at Cheltenham Literature Festival 2016. The cover and title instantly got my attention. It was in my favourite colour (blue) and the title ‘Happy’ was a state I desperately wanted to be in. I appeared happy to many but the reality was the opposite. Turned out that this was the book that changed everything for me…

Incidentally, I did meet Derren Brown as he was doing a talk at the festival to promote the book and to do a book signing. I was co-managing the welcome desk at The Writers’ Room and as I was talking him through everything he needed to know, I was putting on his festival wristband. It’s one of those typical plastic festival type of wristbands, or as some of the guests/authors would say: “it’s like a hospital band!” I was trying to press the pin in to secure it on and as I did so, I caught the hairs from his arm into the pin bit. I was mortified 😱 I knew I had done it and I could see him wince, but I never said sorry. I just pretended it didn’t happen 🙈 Bless him, he did not say a thing to me about it and was so lovely. He also left a second part of his ticket for another show on one of the tables that had his full address on it… needless to say I made sure I got rid of it sharpish!

Anyway, I digress! I did find this book a hard read initially because Derren walks you through the timeline of humanity, with a specific focus on Stoicism. It was one of those books where I really needed to think and contemplate everything that was written in order to fully understand it. Stoicism stems from Greek Philosophy and the dictionary definition of it is: “the endurance of pain or hardship without the display of feelings and without complaint.” Turns out I was naturally very good at this without the prior understanding of Stoicism! However, whilst I was good at not displaying feelings publically, when alone, I often ‘turned into a bit of a mess’.

This book helped me enormously as it explains, quite eloquently, how we can effectively manage our emotions and the impacts of trauma by understanding that it is not a ‘birth right’ to be happy. Happiness is a choice and you have to ‘work at it.’

MY ONE TAKEAWAY

There was a phrase that Derren wrote about extensively in the book: “You can only control your own thoughts and actions.” This notion is so simple and was the game changer for me. I suddenly realised how much time I had spent being upset by other people in my life. I never moaned about it, I’ve never been a moaner. I’m a ‘get on with it’ type of woman. On the flipside however, because I used to bottle ‘stuff’ up, there would come a point where I would ‘go off like a bottle of pop.’ Not in an angry way but in a ‘Oh no, I really can’t stop crying my eyes out and oh god, now I’m snotting everywhere’ kind of way (attractive). BUT when it dawned on me that actually, regardless of whatever s**t life throws at me, I can determine how I feel about it and how I react to it, then I suddenly found myself to be much calmer. That’s not to say that everything was OK because I ‘made’ it OK. What happened as a result of being calmer, was that it gave me more clarity, and having more clarity opened my eyes to the world I was living in. Clarity, combined with certain ‘catalytic situations,’ gave me the strength to make the changes I needed to live a fulfilled life.

Derren doesn’t dismiss the fact that one can’t help feeling emotional, whether that’s sadness, anger or frustration about the loss of the loved one for example, or experiencing trauma such as abuse or losing a limb in an accident. But what he goes on to explain is that you have the power to change what that means to you.

If I’ve learnt anything over the last few years, it’s that the best person who can help you overcome hardship or trauma, is yourself. I would add to this to say that I am a big advocate for seeking help from others, such as friends and family and even a counsellor – actually especially a counsellor. That said, whilst they can listen to you and offer all the best advice in the world… it’s down to you to turn it into action. No one else can make it better but you.

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