One Surprising Thing I Have Learned About Myself In 2020

Following the last blog post I wrote on #BAMEOver, I decided to submit it as an article to Thrive Global – which was launched by Arianna Huffington of The Huffington Post. Thrive is on a mission to unlock human potential and they have created a community of global contributors who write on all sorts of subjects. As I really enjoy writing and want to do more of it, I thought I’d send in the #BAMEOver piece to see whether I’d actually get published.

I tweaked it slightly, following a chat with a woman who used to work at board level at 20th Century Fox, where I explained the reasons behind the sudden split of my parent’s marriage and what happened thereafter. She said to me: “You need to share your full story.” And so I did. The article was approved and published by Thrive Global within hours. You can read it here.

I had written on Instagram that I was going to get my thinking cap on and figure out what to write next. Then lo and behold, an automated email appeared in my inbox from Thrive asking me to submit a piece to share ‘one surprising thing I have learned about myself in 2020.’ And so I did…again! And again, it was approved and published within hours.

Rather than copying and pasting the piece here, I will direct you to it 👉🏼 CLICK HERE.

Hope you enjoy reading it. 🙏🏼

#BAMEOver

I write this with a heavy heart. When I first read this #BAMEOver statement it made me realise something that I hadn’t really taken the time to explore fully until now. I am someone who has used the term BAME in my vocabulary in the past. I used it without even batting an eyelid – not realising why grouping us together like this isn’t helpful. When I say ‘us’ I mean those who identify as being ethnically diverse.

BAMEOver is a statement for the UK. In August more than 1000 people completed a survey conducted by Inc Arts. On 4th September 2020 over 250 people came together to reset the terms of reference for people with lived experience of racism.

Essentially this document provides guidance on the terms to use instead of BAME. The very last paragraph states:

The difference between saying ‘BAME’ and ‘people of South Asian heritage’ or ‘people who experience racism’ is approximately 2 seconds. 2 seconds is not too much time to devote to taking positive anti-racist action on a daily basis. Remaining actively conscious of the language we use is a powerful act of allyship.

After reading this I felt a real sense of unease. I took the time to delve into why I didn’t think twice about the use of this acronym before – especially as someone who is British Indian – I was born in the UK and I am of Punjabi heritage.

At the risk of a possible backlash, I am going to openly state that I spent much of my youth shunning my roots. I grew up in a family where pretty much every single male ‘role model’ beat the sh*t out of their wives and if they weren’t beating the sh*t out of them, they were manipulative and controlling. There was also sexual abuse thrown into the mix. Please know that this is NOT indicative of the behaviours from those of my heritage. I understand that the cyclical behaviours in my family were passed down from generation to generation and why it never stopped – it was because it was all they knew. And this can and does happen in all cultures. However, when I discovered from two of my other peers at school that they were witnessing the same behaviours, I thought that’s it – it must happen in every Punjabi family. My mum and dad’s marriage ended abruptly in the late 90s. Over 20 years ago, my mum was one of few Punjabi women at the time to go through a divorce. Within a week of the split we were essentially deserted from both sides of the family. I witnessed how a lack of education – and freedom to make her own decisions – meant my mum did not live her true potential and I did not want that to happen to me.

I grew up knowing very little of British colonial rule of India, other than the anecdotes I heard about my maternal grandmother who with her family, had to suddenly leave their home because they lived on the wrong side of the border. In the panic to get on to trains out of the newly formed borders during Partition, my Bibi’s (we call my nan Bibi) younger sister died – she had fallen from a train in what was described to me as hysteria, where thousands of people were fleeing for their lives. I admit that I still don’t know everything about ‘The British Raj’ – a term used to describe Britain’s rule of India. My family had land to grow food but were not ‘cash rich’. All I grew up hearing from my parents, aunties, uncles and grandparents was that England was the place to be – to live better, more fulfilled lives and provided the chance for them to climb out of poverty. To be in England and be ‘English’ was a good thing. Remember this Goodness Gracious Me Sketch?

At school I was referred to as ‘coconut’ by my Indian counterparts – “brown on the outside white on the inside” – because I had a non-Indian forename and couldn’t speak Punjabi (I didn’t start speaking until I was 6 and speech therapists told my mum that I was confused so she should only speak to me in English. I wasn’t confused I just chose not to talk but that’s another story for another day).

This next admission may cause yet more backlash. I leveraged the fact I was given a ‘western’ name, despite being picked on about it as a child. I also leveraged having fair skin. This thought process used to go through my mind when sending CVs to gain work experience in the broadcast industry over 15 years ago: “They won’t know I’m Indian – my surname only has 3 letters – they’ll think I’m ‘English’ and if I get an interview, when they see me, they (hopefully) won’t be able to tell that I am actually Indian.” I never consciously questioned why I thought my heritage would be an issue and why being perceived as ‘white’ would help me ‘get on’ in the industry. At the time – in the words of Tupac Shakur – “That’s just the way it is” was my ‘way of living.’

I was once loved by people whom I considered as family and they are of European ancestral origin. I am loved by friends of European ancestral origin. These friends give me joy, support and love in abundance, as do my friends from other heritage backgrounds of course! I am lucky to have them all.

I am also someone who has never been on the receiving end of racism. No malicious behaviour or rhetoric has ever been directed towards me personally about my ethnicity. Is this because of my non-Indian forename, my fair skin, how I behaved and who I surrounded myself with? I don’t know. I have, however, been in situations where what has been discussed with me about my heritage has been rooted in ignorance with remarks like: ‘When the Indian’s came over we thought their women were good looking at least. And to be fair you’re a very good looking woman yourself.‘ I think they were attempting to be complimentary but I didn’t settle for days after this.

I grew up truly grateful for being born in the UK, because I was able to have more opportunities than my mum. And I still am grateful. I think about how lucky I am to live in the UK Every. Single. Day. So with all this – and there is so much more but then this blog would turn into a book! – the shunning of my heritage and hoping to ‘get away’ with being identified as being ‘English’, meant I had never before questioned the label BAME. In a weird way I didn’t attribute myself as being part of this group because I never felt ‘Indian’ enough, but there again I never felt ‘English’ enough either.

I shared the #BAMEOver document with a number of people of African, Caribbean and South Asian heritage who work within the UK broadcast industry, to get their thoughts on this. Here’s what was shared with me anonymously:

“The term seemed to appear from nowhere and became standard. I think that it diminishes racial differences and is disrespectful.”

“It’s a great document and I felt better after reading it. I am guilty myself of NOT KNOWING WHAT I WANT TO BE CALLED! What’s my label?”

“I see myself as an individual working in favour of a collective sense. I identify myself as a Black British man and honoured by that right. I don’t identify with saying I’m Caribbean, because that is not my full identity but then I understand how that part of me has had an influence on my life. I truly think it’s your given right to be identified how you see fit and acknowledge or come to terms with your existence in the world – specifically knowing what your role is and how you rule from your disposition.”

“The word BAME is now considered inappropriate and people are getting angry about its use. I believe a re-education plan needs to be to executed. There was a time when ‘coloured’ was acceptable and now it’s not! So… there is an amount of work to do to ensure that people understand that Black people are no longer happy to be put into a box with other people of colour. However, I can’t help but wonder if my Asian friends or colleagues feel like they are being left out?”

I keep reading what I have written here over and over again because I fear what the response to this will be. Will I be judged? Will I be hated for admitting the things I have? Will I regret being this open and honest? Will I become completely unemployable? On the flip side will this be ignored? Will it roll on by like tumbleweed?

But then I continually ask myself; what is it that I want to happen as a result of writing this? The answer is that I want to make a positive difference, in whatever way I can, to highlight the changes needed in the language we use around describing groups of ethnically diverse people and share the knowledge I have gained over the last few months.

Below are useful resources that have helped me gain a better understanding of the lived experiences of those from other heritage backgrounds:

BAMEOver: An Essay on Terminology

BBC Sounds Podcast: No Country for Young Women [note: this is hilarious and contains strong language and makes overt references to sex]

BBC Sounds Podcast: Brown Girls Do It Too [note: this is also hilarious and again contains strong language and also makes overt references to sex]

BBC Sounds Podcast: Have You Heard George’s Podcast [note: this is truly moving, creative and the ‘word play’ is articulate, eloquent and raw.]

If you’re on Instagram I’d encourage you to follow these people who actively discuss their heritage and the heritage of others, as well as matters on social justice generally:

@jameelajamilofficial
@munroebergdorf
@kehindeandrews
@amandaseales
@laysieee
@cephaswilliamss
@russellbrand
@claraamfo
@gottabelavin_ya
@kuchenga
@libenedettii
@nadiyahussain

There are loads more but following these people is a good place to start.

I want to share one last quote from an email I was sent about the #BAMEOver document.

“My children are of mixed heritage and I constantly correct people for calling those of mixed ethnicity “Mixed Race”! It is my understanding that there is only one race of people on this planet and they are humans!”

I concur. I certainly don’t want to dismiss the importance of #BAMEOver or the resurgence of the Black Lives Matter Movement. It is vital that we acknowledge the wrongs of the past to make it right for the future and embrace our differences as human beings.

My nephew recently turned a year old and he is of mixed heritage. His mother is Welsh and grew up in England. This little boy has lit up my life in a way I did not imagine possible. I love him sooooooo much. It is my hope that we as a human race always act from a place of love, empathy and compassion for one another, so that my nephew never faces the identity crisis I grew up with. Throughout my life many strangers along my travels have tried to place me in a group of people (not with racist intentions, more out of curiosity), and the typical question I get asked is ‘Where are you from? Are you Italian, French, Spanish, Armenian, Persian, Argentinian, Chilean, Brazilian?’ There is a part of me that likes the fact that I can’t be placed because the most important thing for others to acknowledge is that:

I am human and I’m from planet earth.

Strong Vulnerability

Years ago, I was told by a woman in a leadership position to be ‘vulnerable’ because not everyone could work in the way I did/could. I was in my mid 20s at the time and a bit of a cocky so and so… I was still liked by my peers (or at least I think I was!) but I realise now that I had a ‘I can do it all, why can’t you?’ attitude. Which isn’t helpful and actually quite judgemental.

Back then I thought to be vulnerable was to be weak. I couldn’t understand why I was being told to be vulnerable. I just didn’t get it. Surely as an employer they’d want me and my colleagues to be working at our best?!

10 years on I get it.

I have found that being vulnerable has led to great working relationships and friendships, because having that openness creates trust, rapport and empathy in a way that nothing else does.

There are two articles I want to share from The School of Life about vulnerability that will help you get it too… that is, if you haven’t got it already! And even if you have got it, they’re still a good read!

First one titled Leaning into Vulnerability. Favourite line:

“…that our connection with those around us was significantly deepened by sharing more of the turmoil of our inner lives – and most unexpectedly of all, that the revelation of our vulnerability could make us appear stronger rather than weaker in the eyes of others.

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/leaning-in-to-vulnerability/

Second one titled Should We Play it Cool When We Like Someone? Before I share my favourite line from this, I want to provide some context – given the title. So, I have done (and continue to do) a LOT of reading into self development both professionally and personally. I had read a recommended book by The School Of Life called How to Overcome Your Childhood – the latest bonus episode of my podcast discusses three key points made in said book. I then came across this article. The title grabbed my attention because I had been thinking about dating for quite some time. I recently opened my mind to using a dating app… that’s a whole other story right there! Anyway, when I read this, it was like an epiphany – this term ‘Strong Vulnerability’ seemed to sum up my approach in life and some of what is written in this article can be applied to any relationship, whether it be at work or at home. Now for the favourite line:

The strongly vulnerable person is a diplomat of the emotions who manages carefully to unite on the one hand self-confidence and independence and on the other, a capacity for closeness, self-revelation and honesty.”

https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/should-we-play-it-cool-when-we-like-someone/

Hope you like these reads as much as I did! Let me know by dropping a comment below 👇🏼

Photo by JESSICA TICOZZELLI from Pexels

Reframing Disability

Last week the BBC hosted an event called ‘Reframing Disability’ in celebration of the 25th anniversary of the UK’s Disability Discrimination Act. It seems as though there has been a real step change at the BBC since the appointment of June Sarpong as Director of Creative Diversity, in terms of it’s commitment to becoming more diverse, equal and inclusive. Like with many of the broadcasters there’s still a long way to go, but their recent activity has been really encouraging to see.

One of the Spotlight Sessions – CripTales: Mat Fraser in conversation with Alex Brooker was a brilliant watch. Mat was such a fantastic speaker and his energy shone through online – as it would do since he is an actor. CripTales is a BBC Four series where a life-changing moment is captured in six powerful, dramatic monologues. All of these are written, directed and performed by disabled people and curated by Mat Fraser.

Talking of his experience curating this series, Mat referred to working exclusively with disabled people as being, “very rare, weird, momentous and joyous.” He went on to say: “I had to pinch myself sometimes because it was a career dream of mine.” It was heart-warming to hear this. However, Mat quite rightly pointed out that back in 2009 he was part of an all disabled cast in Channel 4’s Cast Offs and that it had taken 11 years for something like this to happen again. He went on to say that the transmission slot for Cast Offs wasn’t great as it was broadcast around the same period as popular comedy drama Skins and at different timeslots each week – not ideal as viewers prefer regularity when it comes to tuning in to their favourite shows. Mat was at pains to say that he wasn’t criticising the broadcaster’s decision on TX slots.

It was a thought provoking session. They also discussed the roles that disabled actors are given in programmes where the focus is on their disability and that is a shame, with the host Alex stating that “Our disability is just one aspect of us. We do regular stuff as well.”

That theme continued in a panel discussion called Representation Matters. Adam Pearson – a presenter and actor – asked a question that he went on to answer himself: “How do we get disabled people on TV doing incidental non disabled things? You hire disabled people to do incidental non disabled things.” So simple. Adam also made a very good point around the fact that: “There are no disabled people with positions of influence in the media industry at an executive level,” and with that “…there is a cycle of bad representation of disabled people year after year.”

When it comes to disability, another panellist – Katie Piper – said from her perspective it was important to “…allow people to develop their own understanding , empathy and knowledge via podcasts, books etc.,” and encouraged individuals to take responsibility in seeking out information for themselves, rather than being spoon fed. I agree with this, although the reality is that the majority of ‘time poor’ people will only invest their free time into matters that interest or affect them directly.

I think education plays an important part. Schools should invest more in teaching children the importance of diversity, equality and inclusion and about cultural history on a global, as well as a national level. I have heard from parents with children of primary school age that this seems to be happening more recently because of the resurgence of the Black Lives Matter movement.

I hope in years to come we live in a society that embraces each other’s differences where diversity, equality and inclusivity is as natural as breathing air.

The BBC’s Reframing Disability events are available to watch on demand HERE. If you work in the media and entertainment industry (or even if you don’t) these are well worth your time.

How to Fail with Elizabeth Day

EVERYONE MUST LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST!

I began listening to this at the beginning of lockdown 1.0 and it (amongst many other podcasts, as well as my dear friend The Podcast Coach) inspired me to start my very own podcast: The Diversity of Me; Keeping It Real.

Elizabeth Day interviews a plethora of incredibly interesting and diverse guests, from all walks of life, many of whom are known on the world’s stage as either actors, writers, musicians or poets. She gets them to open up in a way they never have done before, because her own honesty is infectious.

Each guests talks about three failures and how these failures have impacted them and their life trajectory. Elizabeth opens with beautifully written (and beautifully spoken) introductions. Every single time, I am lured in to invest up to 45 minutes, sometimes even an hour of my time, without any hesitation, because I know I will learn something from what inevitably turns out to be, an illuminating conversation.

This isn’t a podcast just for women. It’s for EVERYONE. Whilst it’s true that it does showcase women more so than any other gender, I guarantee you will come away with your ‘knowledge bank’ fuller and it will be for the better – no matter who you are.

MY TOP 5 MUST LISTENS

Mo Gawdat

Mo used to be the Chief Business Officer at Google X. Following the death of his son, Ali, who was only 21, he was inspired to write Solve for Happy: Engineer your Path to Joy. He developed the Happiness Equation: “Happiness is greater than or equal to your perception of the events in your life minus your expectation of how your life should be.” How Mo talks about his son is quite emotional. Have tissues at the ready. Elizabeth records another episode with him during lockdown 1.0, upon the request of her listeners, which I’d also recommend.

Nadiya Hussain

I have never watched an episode of The Great British Bake Off but was very happy when Nadiya won, and have been very happy to see her subsequent success. As a British born Bangladeshi woman, she talks about her South Asian origin being steeped in patriarchy, how she wasn’t allowed to go to university, why having an arranged marriage has worked for her, the fear she had having her first child at the age of 20 and what life was like before Bake Off. Nadiya is an inspiration and realises the importance of her ‘showing up’ in the world of publishing and cuisine, so that the next generation of British South Asians have a role model to look up to, where they can see themselves in her.

Alain de Botton

Alain, a philosopher and founder of The School of Life, talks to Elizabeth about three failure concepts rather than choosing personal failures. He talks about how good people with the best of intentions can fail, how failure should be considered the norm and that human beings shouldn’t try to find contentment in the exceptional but in the average (I personally think this is dependent upon the scenario and about having a fine balance between the two). There’s also a bit about what you can learn from your romantic relationships that failed to last. Elizabeth’s listeners made another request during lockdown 1.0 to hear from Alain again, which I’d recommend.

Claudia Rankine

Claudia is an award winning American poet, playwright and essayist of Jamaican descent. Her voice is delightful to listen to, as is what she had to say. She was, of course, incredibly articulate and eloquent with every sentence she spoke. Claudia talks about her life’s work, being married to a man of European ancestral heritage and the importance of actively talking about race as a construct. When speaking of ‘white privilege’ Claudia referred to it as ‘white living’ – because it’s a way of living that isn’t diluted by the everyday fear of being marginalised or even killed. Elizabeth Day writes; “This was, I think, one of the most important conversations I have *ever* had about race.” And I would agree.

Gloria Steinham

OK, so if you don’t know who Gloria Steinham is, first of all, where have you been? Second of all, go and consult your friend Google [other search engines are available] and find out about her. NOW. I’d also recommend watching Mrs. America on BBC iPlayer (if you’re based in the UK), where she is played brilliantly by Rose Byrne. Anyway, as a woman in my mid 30s, I still haven’t decided whether I want children. Gloria has never had children and she talks about this, as well as a whole host of subjects including misogyny, racism, sexism, social injustice and her life’s work. A fascinating listen and one that doesn’t disappoint.

Decolonising the Creative Industries

Creative Coalition 2020 by Creative Industries Federation and Creative England

Earlier this week I watched the Creative Coalition 2020 Festival – a virtual three day event for the creative industries – from the comfort of my living room . It was free to attend and covered a huge array of topics across many sectors within the creative industries. A recurring theme throughout was around diversity, particularly ethnic diversity and social mobility.

One of the sessions was boldly titled Decolonising the Creative Industries. Despite the resurgence of the Black Lives Matter movement, I never imagined seeing such a title for a panel session at an event like this…it’s a good thing. It enabled open, honest, valuable and much needed rhetoric about diversity AND social mobility within the industry in a way that was very refreshing.

The speakers were:

Both Zarina and Swarzy were so full of energy; succinct and incredibly articulate about their views, their experiences and what they hoped for the future.

Zarina pulled no punches, stating that she believed resources needed to be pumped into grass roots organisations that are affecting positive change within their communities and are stemmed in intersectionality in a way that bigger creative entities are not. When asked if she wanted to scale up The White Pube – a website she set up with Gabrielle de la Puente, which writes about art, video games and food and also has a following of almost 68,000 on Instagram – Zarina’s response was – and I’m paraphrasing here: “No. We want to remain independent. We want to pay it forward. I’ve got a day job that I need to get to at 2 o’clock.” The White Pube is currently funded by their supporters via Patreon.

Swarzy talked about her experience with reverse mentoring stating (again I’m paraphrasing): “It’s about reconciliation, to get my white colleagues on form, to make them feel empowered with using the right language at the right time for what needs to be said.”

I’d love to see them both in conversation with one another – I’m hoping that Zarina invites Swarzy on to The White Pube podcast.

Ammo Talwar stated that in order to deconstruct the establishment there were, what he described as, 4 pillars of racism that needed to be tackled: 1) institutional, 2) structural, 3) interpersonal and 4) unconscious. He also wanted to see detailed co-curated change with no time limits , i.e., do away with two year schemes and instil change for the long term, that looks at ‘the personal’ and ‘the systemic.’

Finally Babita talked about ensuring that every pound of her creative diversity budget was spent on breaking barriers to showcase unseen voices. The Channel 4 Indie Accelerator, in partnership with The TV Collective, was launched in July this year in a bid to work more with production companies set up by ethnically diverse creatives. Babita also made it clear that there was still a lot of work to be done to see more diverse senior leaders with editorial control across TV, making the point that there is yet to be a Controller appointed who is either of African or Caribbean heritage black or from any other ethnicity.

Some of the key sessions are available to watch here. The rest of the panel sessions, including this one, are available on demand to members of the Creative Industries Federation. I’m hoping they will make this particular session freely available, as I believe this conversation is one that would be of benefit for everyone in the industry.

The Chimp Paradox

This book was the catalyst to get me thinking about my behaviour and the behaviour of others. It discusses the fact that we human beings have evolved from chimps and as such we have the ‘human’ in us and the ‘chimp’ in us. Both facets are important to have, but sometimes ‘the human’ needs to manage the ‘chimp’ in a way that is useful for everyone, not just the individual. It’s a fascinating read.

Prof. Steve Peters is the Sports Psychologist for Team GB and also supports UK athletes in working in cycling and snooker. It’s also very interesting to read how he has helped to build an athletes mindset to focus on their own performance and the ‘here and now’ and how the everyday person can translate that rhetoric to their everyday lives.

MY ONE TAKEAWAY

At the end of a chapter exploring ‘chronic stress’ Prof. Steve writes an analogy about ‘how to catch a monkey’ because “sometimes we cause ourselves distress by not letting go of something or someone in our life.” Prof. Steve goes on to describe that it’s difficult to catch a monkey. Let’s say you want to cement a vase into the ground and you’ve found a stone that is just about the right size to be pushed into the neck of said vase, but there is no way it can be taken out. A monkey comes along and tries to pull the stone out. They won’t let go because they want that stone. At this point it’s easy to then capture the monkey with a net because the monkey is distracted. That monkey threw their freedom away for a stone. Prof. Steve refers to the stone as being ‘worthless’ and I can understand why he uses such language – it’s to make you sit up and think about what or who you are holding on to.

I personally wouldn’t brand anyone or any experience as being ‘worthless’. There is always something valuable to learn from experiences or people who have hurt us. Nonetheless, the last sentence Prof. Steve wrote in the analogy had stuck with me ever since and that was: “Your freedom and happiness are worth more than any stone.” I have never forgotten this one liner. I’m confident that now, if I ever find myself in a situation that may not be good for me, I can walk away knowing I’m better off without it.

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